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| "Poets often describe love as an emotion that we can't control, one that overwhelms logic and common sense. That's what it was like for me. I didn't plan on falling in love with you, and I doubt if you planned on falling in love with me. But once we met, it was clear that neither of us could control what was happening to us. We fell in love, despite our differences, and once we did, something rare and beautiful was created. For me, love like that has happened only once, and that's why every minute we spent together has been seared in my memory. I'll never forget a single moment of it." | | |
| - Tell Me Why 
my gorgeous man and i last night, going to rachel's birthday at gaylords | | |
| - Bad Day - So I guess ive been pretty lucky with relationships. Maybe it is because I can cope with all sorts of people, or I just find the right guys that mesh well with me. I know a lot of people just have horrible luck in relationships. I evaluate what they did, and I really don’t know why things go so wrong for them. I think in the beginning of their relationships, they expect too much too soon. Or they arent laid back enough and they want a serious relationship right from the start. They expect their guy to be at their beckon call from the straight beginning and want them always by their side all the time. Some girls are way to demanding. I really hope I never was, never am, or am now like that. I can see why a lot of guys are scared of commitment because the previous chic that messed up his perspective probably whipped the shit out of him, he lost all of his friends, and he probably got slapped around quite a bit. “what do you see in me” “why do you like me” “what is that you like so much about me” Its not that hard of a question to ask someone. I mean, if someone asked me that, it wouldn’t be that difficult to answer. I mean, yeah of course I would never be able to name every little thing I love so much about them. But the little things that they do that no one else does… and just the things that separate that person from every other person. Of course guys arent as thoughtful as girls, so I guess I’ll let it slide. Even though… way back when… I asked this guy “well… what do you see in her that you like so much?” and he says “uhg I don’t know! And im afraid she’ll ask me that soon”.
Talked about gay marriages today. It was kind of interesting to see another person’s point of view. As for my own in put, I think that it should not be legalized. I mean, I have nothing against the gays and lesbians. I could care less what they do. Marriage is for a man and a woman, it was intended for a special bond, a special commitment. I think it is selfish for the homosexuals to want everything. The government doesn’t discriminate against their ways. They havent shut down the gay bars, they havent banned them from public. So I think they should take what they have and be satisfied.
I was also asked about my religious out look today. I cant remember if I ever fully explained everything I felt. Hopefully I don’t affend anyone. Well this is how I see it, there is more out there in the universe then just the species on earth. There has to be some sort of other living thing, aliens, u.fo.s. whatever. That’s ubsurd to only put one living planet. So way back when… back in jesus years… when everyone started forming their own religion and going their separate ways and believing in whatever… what if some one never found religion? How do you know if the whole bible is just made up of un proven stories? If there wasn’t a base thought process for people to fall upon to believe, then no one nowa day would believe in anything. Of course there would be tons of chaos in the world. I think that is the main reason religion is around now a day. Some people are so insecure about themselves, that when something goes wrong, they need something to fall on. Something that could be a ‘structure’ in their life. They just don’t have enough confidence in oneself to stray from the tradition. I always looked down upon athiest. I was raised as a hardcore catholic. Then I went on some church retreats in order to get confirmed. I realized that I never liked church. It was horrible, it cut into my weekend sleep… which made me angry. So on these retreats I learned a lot about my religion. So when I got back home I did some thinking. Then I did more thinking and I realized that I don’t believe in most of the catholic practice. They don’t believe in contraceptives. Which I think is dumb. Really dumb. So I was really confused about my religion. I knew I wasn’t athiest because I believe something is there. I just don’t know what. Then I got to talking with someone and he told me of ‘agnostic’. It defined exactly what I am. Which made me really happy because I was glad to know I wasn’t the only one out there. I know something must be there, something. I just need proof for big things like this. Catholics are firm believers in non-abortion. Which I totally agree with. I cant see how anyone could ever want an abortion. Its absolute murder. Even after the first three weeks of being conceived, it becomes a something. It becomes life. Divorice is another big thing with me. Maybe because it made such an enormous impact on my life. Before I could even think about marrying someone, I would have to be out of college. Then I would have to have been with them for over a really long period of time. And we would have to live together for way over a year. I don’t care what my grandparents/parents believe in… before I can marry someone, I will have to live with them or spend the night with them pratically every night with them for over a year. I want a relationship like my aunt and her fiancee. They were together for about five or six years. They basically lived together even though they had their separate apartments. They spent the night together almost every night. They care so deeply for eachother and share such a powerful love. They spent almost every day together, they worked together, and everything. They did everything together. They never fought and they meshed together so well. They are a perfect match. I think there are perfect matches. Almost like soul mates. I know no two people can be completely compatible. However, I do believe in a perfect couple. Absolutely perfect. How do you know if that one person is your perfect match? What if you meet that person when you are with what you think is your perfect? Is it ever too soon to find that person? Or ever too late? I always thought I would find my perfectly perfect through a fairy tale like story. Im a big dreamer. This is one of my scenerios… we would grow up together, best friends. Remain best friends through everything, through the other’s relationships, through parental difficulties and we would share our everythings together. First heart break, first kiss, first love. However, all along we were eachother’s one true love kind of ordeal. My second scenerio I know will never happen. It was awhile ago when I thought of it, and I actually thought it could come true. Go out with a guy for a really long time, share our first’s together and everything. Then we break up, he remains in love however he still dates. I however date around a lot, think ive moved on… but everytime him and I hang out we still get that special connection. So after college we run into eachother, start talking again and end up actually being first and only true loves. However, my fairy tales have changed… but I think it turned out for the better. I don’t need a story line to be happy, to find actual true love. How do you know if its true love? How do you even know if you are “in love”? I guess only a handful of people get to experience it.
I always think I type to much, or I type to often in here. But then I find out that people actually read these and enjoy these. I think that’s neat. You’re neat. 
Love (Luv) noun:
*A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.
*A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance.
*An intense emotional attachment, as for a pet or treasured object.
it actually makes you re-think your thoughts. after reading that do you still feel as though you love someone or something... this is not implied or directed toward anyone.
i wanted to fall asleep about an hour ago  but i really wanted to finish this, hopefully i can still fall asleep as easily as i almost did today at work. work was so awesome today. i almost didnt work but then everything turned out well. i gave tours of the facility to people, answered phones, assigned equipment, and i even got a walkie-talkie to communicate with the supervisors. it made me feel really important  then i almost fell asleep in the consession booth thing because it was an icky day and no one wanted to be there. rainy. speaking of raining, no camping this weekend. maybe next weekend. if youre lucky. | | |
| I am on a huge caffeine rush right now. So my day went pretty well! I have had an awesome last couple of days. Well we got back on Saturday from the destin trip. Then I ended up spending the night with the jenalo that night because my grandparents had went on a trip to san antonio and they weren’t due back until Sunday night. Even though we had just spent a week or so with each other, we weren’t sick of one another. Which I think is neat! Even though I even spent the night with her… we still hung out on Sunday… and monday! Haha! Wow.
So yesterday… no wait… Sunday… well whatever. It still feels like Monday because I haven’t fallen asleep yet. If that makes any since. So technically it is Tuesday, but my thought process is off because Tuesday really isn’t Tuesday for me yet. So anyway, SUNDAY jen and I woke up and I went over to travis’ gramma’s house so I can watch him be a manly man and do some manual labor! Then we met jen and matt at the what-a-burger where I experienced my first near accidental wreck. Then we headed over to the grapevine mills where I tried to find my board shorts that I fell in love with. However, we were not able to find those board shorts for me. They were the white billabong with baby blue on them. Yeah, they were for girls. Im not a dike, thanks. So we couldn’t find them at pacsun… so jen gives horrible directions to the fast forward and we walk all the way around the mall before we finally get there and they don’t have them either. Bastards. So travis and I leave and go chill at his house for a while. Then a huge storm came in. so I had to be home about nine ish and I go home and I un packed, and put together my new awesomely cool lamp! It has six different colors (blue, yellow, orange, red, green, white) and they are flexible and its aluminum. Just awesome! Maybe I will go to some website and find a picture some day and put it up here. I think I like jen’s better though. Oh well, mine is still really neat. Today was my first actual day to work at the pointe! Well, ive been ‘working’ but it was just considered training. I was there at about 11:30 and I did my little hand-scanning thing. I will have to admit that it’s not as cool as I thought it was going to be. Still better then a little clock in/clock out time sheet… card thing. Anywho, so I sit there until one o’clock doing nothing but being paid to sit there. Yeah, that’s right. The pool’s PH level wasn’t to par so they had to wait until it got a little better, and even then they only opened half of the pool. Meh, there are some really annoying kids out there. I don’t want to be criticizing other people’s children… but they are horrible and I was like ‘wow, life without kids wouldn’t be that bad’ but im sure when im twenty blah blah years old I will be thinking differently. Which brings me to my hot topic of tonight. I hung out with my dear friend celina today and we sat at starbucks for the longest time and people watched. Then we went and saw ‘laws of attraction’ bladdy blah or whatever it was called. We were talking about sex… kids… love in general. And how when you decide to have sex with someone, its like you are telling that person, or showing that you are mature enough to put that kind of responsibility on the line, then you are saying if you are willing to chance bringing life into this world, then you are mature enough to have a kid and take care of them responsibly. But when two people have sex, it should be more then “just fucking”, its something so special and to be able to share that with someone you care so much about, is just an amazing thing. To be able to share that emotional connection with that one person, and being so intimate. I admit to having regrets and mistakes in my past in this category… but if that one regret didn’t happen, would I have met this one person today? Its so weird how if you think of it one way, you get a whole different perspective on another situation. Then it is a huge cycle of just thinking. And more thinking, and more analyzing. Like would this happen if this didn’t happen… let’s just say, what if I wasn’t in my two year relationship with jon, would I have been some slutty whore and turned out completely different? Would I have met some people sooner and some people never? Would I have been prude the rest of my life? What if my grandparents didn’t disapprove of him, would we still be together? What if his parents disapproved of me… just things like that I think of. I am also scared of getting into that kind of relationship again. Im petrified that I am going to get so emotionally connected to one person again, they will know everything I know, feel everything I feel, and in the end I will just get my heart broken again. maybe i am just scared of hurting someone again. it is definitly something i dont like doing. as for this moment in time, im not scared of hurting someone and im not scared of getting hurt. Even though I was the one who decided to end the previous relationship(s) it still hurt me more then ever. Because both relationships modified my life so greatly. So after that one person was gone, I felt so alone. I think everyone secretly always wants someone. Always having a deep down necessity for that perfect someone or something in his or her life. But after those relationships it feels so strange to not have that person in your life. That you aren’t able to just pick up the phone and dial their number anymore. You just cant be like ‘hey lets go hangout’ and everything would be fine again. Because so many emotions get involved. After knowing someone so well, I don’t know… I feel like I will never forget them and the times we shared. However, I think that is how it is with everyone. Of course no one will forget the good times in their life, and the best days, and even the worst days with that someone special. I wish it was that simple to just be friends with someone you spent so much time and effort on. That intimate feeling is gone, at least on one side of the spectrum. I think it would be awesome to stay friends with past loves, but its hard and it just doesnt work when one of them still has feelings for the other one who has already moved on... but that one person just knows everything about you and you can tell when they are lying to you… and its always better when someone tells me the honest truth instead of wondering if they’re lying. Meh. you know?
Then as for love, love is more then just a word. It’s a feeling, an emotion like no other that you have ever felt. So many people over use it, and some people just get scarred from it. Like… I guess I can use some previous examples. I would have to say eighth grade was when I had my first biggest crush, and those are the ones when every little thing means the most because it’s the first. So this guy, he did the whole ‘I love you’ thing and I ended up getting hurt of course and he didn’t mean it because we were so young and we didn’t know what we were talking about. But still, then the next time a guy said it to me I didn’t believe him. It took me a long time to be able to trust someone in that category. Love is more then just a word/phrase. You have to be able to show it, you cant just say it all the time and never act upon it kind of thing. I guess it’s always meant something to me. And I never wanted someone to say it unless they felt it. I think that is why I have been so apprehensive with the whole love thing. Sometimes, I think I feel it but its just a moment kind of thing. and i dont want to be one of those kinds of people who ruin it for the others that actually mean it. ive never said it unless i meant it. It just all goes back to my trust issues and being hurt. I think there are a few different types of love. I think one is able to be “in love” and there is just “to love”. I love my family with my unconditional love. I love my friends because they’re just awesome and it’s a friendly love, then I love my travis like I want to be with him. And that is the best love. Because its deeper then them all. We share something so surreal. It is just an awesome feeling and to be able to share that with someone that feels the same way you do.
“when you love someone, you are unselfish enough to be able to give them everything” the guy in the movie last night said something on the lines of that. I thought it was really neat. I feel like ive been repeating myself over and over again with the same topics. I think I talk about the same thing in my entries after entries. I mainly just talk about my days, love, sex, music… I don’t give much of a variety of topics. Ive talked about religion a lot… hm, I need to explore other things and maybe spice it up some day. Im too tired and want to go back to sleep because its raining and rain is just amazingly awesome. I was just laying there in bed today, my fan was going and it was nice and cold, and dark in my room. Under my covers were nice and warm and just a perfect scenario. Speaking of perfect scenarios! I get to camping again this weekend. Yay! Good times will be had. I never adjust to be out on summer vacation until my birthday gets closer. Because right now, it doesn’t feel like im out on summer. I need to go get my senior pictures done. My gramma wants me to wait awhile mer mer mer. I need to finish adding the rest of my songs onto my computer. I did a system restore a few weeks ago, but all the stuff is over whelming and I wish it was just some how hop back into my hard drive and everything be done. I’m a pretty lazy person, sometimes. Like right now, I could be doing so much but I would rather just sit on the computer, listen to the songs that I have already put back into winamp… and just sit here and enjoy the rain. I have really liked all the rain. I like rain. My grampa has been home from work the past few days and I don’t approve of this. For some reason, I just don’t like him being home when im home. I guess that is kind of mean to say. Because I really don’t mind the guy. He’s actually pretty nice. He was trying to talk to me the other morning about a family trip. And I says to him ‘no sir, I just got back from a trip’ and he says ‘no no, not a long trip’ but I hate traveling with those people. It is so stressful and there is nowhere I would want to go with them. I will just say I would rather stay home the rest of summer and I ‘have to work’ a lot and I cant leave my friends again. That would be mean. So hopefully they will understand where I am coming from. So in the paper, they says that ‘todays fashion’ is going out and totally new fashion is coming in. like, no more low cut jeans… and a new ‘covered up’ fashion is coming in. I don’t think that would happen.
I failed to mention in my previous entry about the uh ‘real’ story about Thursday. Well I did a really mean joke and told someone that my foot was bitten off by a shark. Yes… a shark. Then I let the joke go on for way to long and it started to make me feel so bad so finally I told him it wasn’t true and he was mad.
talked to kristy last night, instead of having the usual friendly 'hey how are you' conversation, we actually talked about other personal stuff. it was like old times. high school drama is dumb, lets not do it anymore. woot.
I really like the ‘leaving on a jet plane’ song. It makes me smile. its what im listening too but xangazon is being teh gay  | | |
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